I never thought it would be like this, never thought it could hurt this bad. It’s like a knife cutting through me, slowly moving, day by day, closer to my heart. I could feel It more and more as time passed. At first It was just a hum in the back of my mind, but then It started to grow and take me over completely.
Even then, I didn’t think it mattered, I thought I was strong enough on my own. But, when It got out of control the first time, I had no choice. They trapped me in a mental straight jacket. Unsure what they should really do, they just filled me with drugs and set me up on a high shelf where I would be safe. But, I was also alone and left with only It’s darkness fighting in my mind.
The drugs left me as nothing more than a shell of who I was, but to them it was better. They could control this empty, emotionless girl. It was the dark, all consuming monster I was on my own that they were afraid of.
I was afraid of It too, I didn’t like the constant blackness filling me or the thoughts It created. But I hated the trapped feeling the drugs gave me even more. I didn’t want to be dependent on some pill for who knows how long, I wanted to be in control of myself. So, I stopped taking it.
I was alone when It came back again, and this time It was much more sudden, and stronger. The knife pushed deeper and It was no longer a quiet hum. It had become a constant presence that pulsed in my veins and latched onto my mind.
I was numb.
It became louder, thoughts of suicide forced their way in and like a parasite they fed off of the darkness filling me.
I don’t want that, I promise I don’t. But, I’m lost. Its dark and I’m alone.
It’s stronger than me, I know that now.