It looks like the ideal family, sitting around the table playing a game together. Taking turns rolling the dice, trying to be the first to 10,000 points. And as long as you keep the scene on mute, everything is great.
But, its when you start hearing the words that the problems start. She’s talking about how great it is that he came home from college to visit. Oh, yeah, and the other brother showed up too. That’s nice.
What about Sam? Who- Oh, right. That other creature I gave birth to. If we could only get rid of that one, then this would really be perfect. Her eyes are narrowed now, looking away from the chosen one over to the parasite that somehow snuck into her family.
Why can’t you be more like your brother, she snarls, I raised you better than this. My eyes have glazed over now, her words hardly making it to my ears. 2,000 more points, then I’m free.
Now her focus is back to her golden child, is he seeing this disrespect? Does he see what she has to deal with? If I hate it so much here, why don’t I go somewhere else? Her perfect family could finally be complete.
I swear I won’t let a single tear fall. I gave up on that years ago. What good would it do me anyway? I don’t care what she says, its not true. If I keep telling myself that, maybe I can believe it. Just 1,700 more points, why won’t these dice just let me win? They must be loaded.
She keeps glancing over, looking for my reaction, waiting for me to crack. But that won’t happen, she’s already emptied me out. I’m hollow. I still feel the pain, but it has stopped giving an immediate effect. It just piles up, filling my shell, waiting for the grand finale.
And I’m waiting too. Waiting for my chance to prove everything she’s ever said is wrong. It drives me, motivates me. I want to escape, get away from here and really be someone.
But, I feel the need to do it alone. I don’t want help, I don’t want to depend on or owe anyone. I want to be able to look back and say ‘See? I didn’t need you anyway.’ Its nearly impossible, I know. But, that’s what I’ve been driven to.
So, you can keep your favorite child. Your golden boy. The one who does no wrong. And you can keep pushing me, further and further. But, don’t expect me to stay. Someday, my hollowness will be filled, you’ll push me too far. And I’ll be gone.
You can have your perfect family, I want no part of it.