I’m writing this in my math class because my  calculator’s batteries just died and I’ve become so completely dependent on it that I can’t even function. What’s 2+2 again?

I feel so utterly betrayed. How could it do this to me? Just drop dead with no warning…

There I was, minding my own business and doing all that crazy math stuff. Then, the next thing I know, the screen goes blank. For a solid ten minutes, I sat. Paralyzed by my shock. I stared at the screen, constantly pressing the ‘on’ button, certain that the next time my beloved calculator would come back to life.

But, no. It has failed me.

And so, now here I sit. Trying to act engrossed in this math book that seems to have transformed itself into something entirely different from what I was just being taught about, and  avoiding eye contact with my teacher. I don’t think she’s believing it, maybe my acting isn’t as top notch as I thought.

Fun Fact: there’s some kid reading this over my shoulder at this very moment.

Mmmmhm, I know what you’re up to bucko. I can feel your nasty, hot breath on my neck, and might I suggest a breath mint? I have some in that front pocket of my backpack, and since you clearly have no understanding of personal boundaries you should have no trouble getting them.

That’s right, you better back off. Get to work, ya slacker.

Geez, kids these days!

Anywho, moving on from Mister Ieatdeadcatsforbreakfastandthenbrushmydeathwiththebloodofothernastyrottenthings, there’s still 15 minutes left in this class. Never in my life has time moved so slowly.

Actually, that’s not true. There was that one time when I drank a life threatening amount of coffee and was stuck waiting in a bathroom line. I’m quite certain time completely stopped and, somewhere, a truly evil genius was having a good chuckle and patting himself on the back for figuring out how to freeze time.

And on that note, I shall conclude this post.

I’m so glad we could share this experience. I just feel so much closer to you now, after sharing the tragedy of my loss.

We are bonded now. Forever.