Once again, I have returned to assure you that I am indeed still living and have not yet been slain as a result of my overly sarcastic nature. Which most surely will one day be the cause of my demise.
But, for the time being, I shall continue on with my rather pathetic life and continue to hone my near perfect sarcasm.
I would once again like to apologize for my extended absence and sporadic postings. But, you should understand that I have perfectly adequate reasons. You see, after leaving the campus where I was staying to attend my writing course, I returned home to discover that my dog, the precious Jarvis, had been kidnapped (dognapped?).
My mother told me that he had been out in our yard when it happened. He was happily prancing and frolicking like the ferocious guard dog he was raised to be, chasing butterflies and whatnot, minding his own business. Then, next thing everyone knew, he had vanished.
When I arrived on the scene (after a rather long and unpleasant drive involving a screaming young child, I might add), I began my top notch detective work. I examined the paw prints left in the muddy outskirts of our yard, I observed the paths of the butterflies to best predict where he would have been prancing, and I carefully scanned each inch in search of any incriminating evidence.
Now, one thing you should know is that we do not have a typical chain link fence to contain Jarvis. Oh no, we are much too advanced for that type of simplicity. Instead, we have a wire buried under the ground that emits beeps and shocks (fear not, I have experienced this shock many times and it is quite humane. Let’s not discuss the events leading up to that experience, however) to contain my glorious beast.
So, naturally, this means Jarvis would not leave on his own. He would be taken *by force*.
Of course, at the time I did not realize just how right I was. In order to preserve the secrets of my sneaky investigation, I’ll omit the details and carry on to the climax.
Basically, a little sneaky sneaky here and a little snoopy snoopy there, and the next thing you know, I’m face to face with a very dangerous leader of a street dog gang. For those of you who don’t know, you poor sheltered things, a street dog gang is a group of rebellious and often violent dogs who have left their homes behind for the rough and tumble life of the streets. They prowl by night and strike down all who invade their territory or know too much about their shady escapades.
So, there I was. Backed into the corner of a dark alley by Snappy and his sidedogs. They told me that they had taken Jarvis, but that he was a gang dog now. There would be no bringing him back now, it was too late.
I could see my furbaby lurking in the back, behind the other snarling and drooling dogs, watching me with his derpy brown eyes. I took a step closer to him, only to be halted my Snappy who chuckled a doggy chuckle.
“Don’t you understand, human?” he barked, while I translated it with a nifty phone app (courtesy of iSpeakDog, soon to be available on Android). “Jarvis is no more, there is only Cruncher.”
Snappy began prowling before me, focusing his cruel eyes on mine.
“You see, Cruncher here is an initiate. He’s on his way to being a full gang dog. And do you know what the final step in his initiation is?” Snappy stopped moving as he said this, halting only inches from me. “It is to eliminate you. The puny human who dared to invade our territory, our way of life.”
Snappy gave a swift bark, calling to the new Cruncher. And immediately, he responded, leaping forward to attack.
I suppose I knew this would happen, deep in my heart. But, I had held out hope that somehow my beloved Jarvis could still be inside that hardened street dog. It was clear now though, I had no choice. I would have to destroy every member of the street dog gang, even Jarvis.
Nah, that’s not true. I was just watching Netflix and.. Oh, no. That’s pretty much it. Just Netflix.