It was cold. Even for the usual weather of the area, this was considered cold. It was too early for snow, and yet, just hours earlier the delicate white flakes had begun journeying from the clouds to the slowly dying earth below.
I’d been driving then, carefully maneuvering the twisting curves of the road leading through the mountain pass. I cranked up the heat and I tried to bring my focus back onto the yellow and white lines that were rapidly flying past the tires of my car.
But, I couldn’t.
I could only think of you.
Of your arms, warm and comforting around me, already they felt like home. Of your smile and your eyes, of course I had seen them before, but never like this. Of your scent, I had only just come to know it, but already I felt it locked into my heart. I could only think of you, everything about you.
In a way, it frustrated me. I didn’t like to feel out of control, and that’s how you made me feel. I was never the type to lie and climb through windows in the middle of the night. Of course, that was no fault of yours. I have no doubt that you wished we could avoid all of that.
And maybe we could have, but I was too scared to find out.
It didn’t feel like a choice to me. If I didn’t hide you from everyone else, I would lose you. And at this point, I couldn’t bear that. But, at the same time, it felt unfair to you as well as me. Nothing about us was wrong, perhaps we were a little different from the conventional idea, but that didn’t mean it was wrong. So, why did I have to hide it?
That was what I thought as I drove, the white blurring of the snow making it somewhat hazardous.
But I couldn’t stop it, even when I found myself once again in the confines of my own house you were still controlling my head.
Then, I was opening my window late at night and silently making my way to where I knew you would be waiting. A sharp breeze tugged at the edges of the shirt you’d given me last night, it reached nearly to my knees the sleeves hung well past the tips of my fingers, but the fit was perfect.
Ahead of me, at the end of the alley and across the street, your car waited. You’d turned the lights off as you pulled up, I had been watching from the shadow of a neighbor’s shed. You were on edge, it made you nervous to sneak around like this. And it should. It should’ve made me feel the same, but I couldn’t find it in me to care about the risk.
I walked around and pulled open the door, sliding into the warmth. You watched me for a moment, and your hand reached across to wrap around mine. We laughed about the funny sound your car made and we complained about how long the stoplights took to change, and you were no longer worried. Or, at least, you didn’t show it.
Then, you were pulling into the parking lot of the hotel and we were getting out of the car and making our way up to your room. We would stay there for the next few hours, although it would never be enough, and then I would be scrambling back into my room to sleep for the next couple hours before I would have to get up to join reality.
The next thing I knew, we were back in that parking lot. For the last time. You were leaning against my car, and I was leaning against you. We said a goodbye that in some way didn’t seem quite enough, but that was probably easier. You made your way to your car and I opened the door of mine.
As I was pulling away, you reached your arm out of the window to wave to me one last time. But, I pretended I didn’t notice because ‘Shut Up and Dance’ was on the radio and it made me think of last night, and I missed you already.
And once again, I was driving hazardously.
Although, this time my vision was blurred by tears.