It’s been five months since I’ve posted on this blog.
Now, that’s not to say it’s been five months since I’ve been on WordPress. In fact, it would be a stretch to say that there’s been even a month-long stretch of time between my visits to the platform itself.
You see, every month or so, I would come across some inspiring quote on Pinterest or Facebook or even in a good old-fashioned book. And, fueled by whatever wisdom I happened to stumble upon, I would find myself eagerly logging in and watching that ever changing Reader load on the screen before me.
I would browse through a few posts, looking to see who had held out and continued to blog after I’d quit. I would like a few things, maybe comment on the blog of someone I was particularly fond of. Then, I’d click over to the stats page.
Of course, my stats were always bottomed out. Even during the period of time where I was consistently posting, my stats were far from noteworthy.
I was okay with that. I’ve never been a big fan of numbers anyway. If I was, perhaps I would have a promising career in the STEM field instead of planning on how to get by as an English major.
Regardless, at that point in the process, I would click to view my site itself in browser format. I would scroll through my own posts.
I would shamelessly laugh at my own humor, because who could possibly understand it better than myself (and I am, without a doubt, hilarious).
But, I would also always find myself cringing at the posts that I wasn’t so proud of. And, naturally, those outnumber the posts that I am proud of.
My fingers would begin to itch, drumming uncomfortably on the edges of my laptop. I would begin to debate going through and deleting the posts I didn’t like. Then, I would decide that it would be a better decision to just delete the whole site.
I would navigate my way through the settings, which somehow always managed to baffle me, and I would scroll down to the ‘delete this site’ button.
I would read through that little blurb that tells you how all of the images, text, and whatever else associated with this site will be deleted and that’s that.
And I would close my browser (Firefox, if you’re wondering. Solely because I love the icon and actual fire foxes, if we’re being honest).
I could never delete this stupid little blog that I started when I was fifteen, a month away from sixteen.
At that time, I was just starting to understand what it really means to face demons within yourself. At that time, there were countless people from all over the world who were quick to show me support and share their own stories.
I’ve grown a lot. I don’t think the same anymore.
But, all the same, I could never delete this stupid little blog because now I’m seventeen, two months from eighteen, and I’m terrified like I’ve never been before of the future.