You are a truly desperate soul if you have come to me, seeking the secrets of summoning the Divine Deity of Bloggers. But I shall not judge, for as it reads in the Divine Book of the Divine Deity ‘You shalt do you boo, and I shalt do me.’
Let us begin.
Prior to commencing the acts of the ritual, be certain you have what is needed, for once you begin it must be finished. There is no going back.
You shall need:
- ten coffee pots
- enough coffee to make ten STRONG pots of coffee, don’t even think about playing games and making some weak, watered down bean juice
- your writing supplies whether it be a simple notebook, laptop, stone tablet, or papyrus; once again ‘You shalt do you boo’
- a glitter pen, preferably in silver, because the Divine Deity likes glitter
And, now, if you have prepared yourself to commence into the ritual itself:
First, you must brew the ten pots of coffee simultaneously. There must be no more than .00000000000000000000001 seconds between the completion of brewing for each pot.
When the brewing is complete, you must take the ten pots to whatever location you desire to do your writing. Please note that there must be no disturbance during the ritual. Inform your mother and various other housemates prior to beginning, I’m sure they’ll be totally fine with your new ritualistic practice.
After arriving at your desired location, align the pots into a perfectly constructed pyramid. If your structure is not sound or does not meet the standards of the Deity, he shall ignore your plea and simply laugh as you suffer and wonder what to do with ten pots of coffee.
Next, unsheathe your glitter pen and prepare your writing surface. In a loud voice, proclaim your greatest impression of an exasperated whale-dog hybrid (It is highly suggested you practice beforehand). Quickly chug all of the ten pots of coffee, down to the last drop.
At this point, you will begin to feel an overwhelming sense of a higher being. Your entire body will begin to be wracked by tremors and twitches. I assure you, this is in fact the Divine Deity and not at all the effects of drinking mass amounts of coffee.
Further, you shall feel within your headspace a new inspiration and it will be absolute magic. Simply sit yourself down so you don’t faint and put that glitter pen to use.
And, thus, you have reached the conclusion of this ritual.
Please, share with fellow desperate souls and tell us of your experiences in summoning the Diving Deity of Bloggers. Tell us your successes so we, too, may feel hope and tell us your failures so that we can laugh and feel better about our own shortcomings.