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Sam O. Bscure

EVERYBODY WANTS TO SOAR IN AN INSTANT

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depression

It


It sat upon my shoulders, with beady eyes and gleaming teeth.

Sometimes It was light, a presence lurking still, but I was able to keep my shoulders square. I was able to keep my head up and a smile on my face, eyes bright. I was fine then.

But other times, It was the weight of the world. That was when it became impossible to stand tall, to look people in the eye, to function. I was not fine then. Continue reading “It”

Tonight


Tonight you’re perfect, because we have more in common than you’d like to admit.

I can see it in the hollowness of your eyes, the all consuming void that’s steadily tearing away at your soul. It leaves you blank and without light. I’ve come to know it well.

I can see it in the way your smile drops, vanishing the moment they turn their back. It’s forced, that’s plain to see, and the effort is wearing on you. It’s okay, I share the same fatigue.

I can see it when you scratch at your wrists, tearing at your own skin, feeling betrayed because you’re so uncomfortable in it. Sometimes, it bleeds. And that’s terrifying, because it seems that nothing can protect you from yourself.

I can see it in the way you wander, lost. Not only now, not only here, but in every way. You’ve lost direction and hope. All of that withered away, and now you’ve just become an empty vessel that used to carry so much promise. I know, I’m just as empty as you.

I can see it in you, I can see you in me.
I can see what a mess you are, how broken you are.

But that’s alright with me, because tonight you’re perfect.

A Tale of Chupacabra Woes


chupacabra

Once upon a time, in the land of Mehico, there was a baby chupacabra named Fluffy. Although he was just a baby, Fluffy’s life was hard. Everyday, as he frolicked about the vast wilderness searching for goats’ blood, he was surrounded by the mocking shouts of his brethren.

What kind of name was Fluffy?

Certainly not one suited for a chupacabra, they were hairless! The opposite of fluffy!

Fluffy hated his life.

He hated his parents for giving him that name, he hated the others for mocking him, and, more than anything, he hated himself for being so weird. All he wanted was to be like everyone else. He’d do anything to fit in.

With slimy chupacabra tears streaming down his hairless face, Fluffy continued on his path. Deeper and deeper he went into the darkness of the forest, farther and farther from the cruelty.

When at last he was free from their taunts and could no longer hear them, Fluffy let himself fall to the forest floor. And there he lay, eyes fixed on the thick canopy of leaves above him that blocked out all the light.

He was hurting. He could feel himself slowly sinking and losing sight of his own light.

Long after the sun had set, long after all others had gone to sleep, long after his own body had become cold and sore, Fluffy stayed.

Yet, it was at this moment that he realized he wasn’t the only one out here, falling apart under the dark cover of the night.

Slowly rising to hisĀ  feet, he crept forward towards the barely audible whimpering off to his right. Cautiously, he peeked out from around the trunk of a large tree and there he saw, laying broken and abandoned as he had been, another chupacabra.

“What’s your name?” he whispered.

Lifting her head, the other chupacabra turned and met his eyes with her own, still shimmering with tears and answered,

“Fuzzy.”

When Life Gives You Chaotic Lemons…


unnamed (13)

Sometimes life can be overwhelming.

Of course, I don’t need to tell any of you this. You know it more than well enough for yourselves. There’s virtually constant pressure coming at us from all sides, and it can be challenging to stop yourself from caving in to it.

But, the amazing part is that you’re all still here. Despite how out of control it might seem, despite the fact that you might feel as though you aren’t keeping up, despite the amount of things going wrong, you are still here.

And that means you’re still doing great.

So, maybe you aren’t holding yourself together perfectly. It doesn’t matter, because you’re boring when you’re perfect. We all need to fall apart at some point.

And maybe you’ve begun battling your demons again. Don’t you worry. You’ve beat them before, you can do it again. I believe in you.

And if you’re worried about that opportunity you missed, if you’re afraid it was the last one you’ll get, stop. There will be more, and they will be better. Perhaps it will take a while, years even, but they will come. So forget about what you let pass by, and focus on the amazing things headed for you right now.

Maybe you’ve gotten a little lost, a little off track, a little behind. Then slow down, stop running blindly. It’s okay, you have time. I know it doesn’t feel like it, I know you think you need to go all out right now. But, what good does it do you if you’re going the wrong direction?

Yes, life can be overwhelming.

And yes, it is right now.

But, don’t you worry.

I know you can take it.

Sam vs. Your Mind


art by Charlie Speratis
art by Charlie Speratis

You run. As fast as you can. Frantic, desperate, and afraid. You have no direction, no idea where you’re headed, but you know you can’t stay here.

Heart pounding and gasping for air, you don’t stop. You can’t stop. You have to get away, you have to escape. You feel the ropes wrapping around you again, pulling you back.

You scream, you claw, you do all you can. But the ropes only get tighter, they only entangle themselves around you more. They drag you down, stumbling and falling to your knees. But you don’t stop. You can’t stop. You have to get away, you have to escape.

The ropes have tied you, knotted and trapped you. They’ve got you now, because you can’t escape. You can’t escape your mind.

This is the end, you say. There is no doubt, there is no question.

Yes, you could be right. There is nowhere left to go, nowhere left to run.

Yes, this is the end. The end of your running.

But not the end of you.

After all, your mind is yours. Of course there is no escaping it, without it you would not be. But, it is yours. And what is yours, you do control.

Stop with the running, it won’t get you anywhere. Your mind is yours, it is yours. You control it, you define it, you are more than it.

You can’t escape your mind, but you can always change it.

Sam vs. The Okay


It’s okay, you say. I don’t need their love, I don’t need their time. I’m fine, you say. I don’t need their support, I don’t need their shoulder to cry on.

It’s okay, you say. I don’t need them.

You’re hurting now, you feel more lost than you ever have before. You don’t sleep, you don’t eat, you can hardly even think. It’s all blank, there is no happiness. There is nothing.

It’s okay, you say. I don’t need help, I’ll make it on my own. I’m fine, you say. So what if I’m lost? I’ll figure it out some other day. I don’t care if my whole world is blank, at least now I don’t feel the pain.

It’s okay, you say. I don’t need them.

With each day that passes, you wander farther and farther, you become more and more lost. You travel deeper and deeper into the emptiness. You look into the mirror, but all you see is the hollowness behind your eyes. You don’t know who you are anymore, and you can’t remember who you used to be.

It’s okay, you say. But now it’s becoming more of a question. Am I okay? I thought I was strong, you say. I thought I could take it. You’re so broken now, how could you ever be fixed?

It’s not okay, you say.

No, it’s not okay.

art by Charlie Speratis
art by Charlie Speratis

Sam vs. The Blows


Sam O. Bscure words hurt

There’s no way I’m going to win this

No way this battle will be mine to claim.

So, go ahead

Tear me apart some more

 

Piece by piece

Break me, shatter me

Let all the shards fall to the floor

 

Tell me all the reasons I’m wrong

And when I swing back

Tell me again

 

Pin me down with one more hit

Hold me with your words

I’m prisoner to the venom you spit

 

You are that whisper inside

Reminding me of those past failures

all the times I tried

 

Blow by blow

you tear me down

Shut up, you say

no one wants to hear you now

 

I’m weak and fallen

That’s when you walk away

You turn your back

But expect that soon I’ll be calling

 

I sit alone in my prison

But not for long

I hold the key

And soon I’ll be gone

 

While your back is turned

That’s when I take my chance

I know my mistakes

But now I’ve learned

 

Now I’m strong

You told me all along

The things I’d never be

But you were wrong

 

You were wrong.

 

 

Sam vs. Those Nights


This one’s for the people who spend their nights wide awake long after the sky has gone dark and the rest of the world has slipped off into sleep. They were lucky, they managed to find their way to the escape of the dream world. They could close their eyes and leave behind this reality.

But not you. You’re still trapped, staring up at the ceiling wishing you could turn your thoughts off, or at least lower the volume. There’s no distractions now. It’s just you in the darkness, stuck with that part of you that you keep locked up during the day.

This is for the people who spend their nights wondering what it would feel like to have someone beside you. Those nights when you struggle to remember what it’s like to not be alone. It’s been so long, you can hardly see past the clouded darkness of your present to recall what it was like in your past.

This is for the people who spend their nights scrolling through contacts on their phone, searching for just one person who would listen. There could be countless names, and yet each one illuminated on your screen is just that. A name. You know there is no one to match it who would really be there for you. The relationship is hollow. You long for something more, but it seems like they all are more of an act than anything else.

This is for the people who spend their nights numbing the pain in any way they can, knowing that it will be back in just hours. You run as fast as you can, put as many barriers and walls as you can up around you. But, no matter what you do, it’s still there. Every time you glance over your shoulder, it seems to be getting closer and growing stronger.

This is for the people who spend their nights fighting for their lives against their own mind. You tell yourself all the reasons you can’t quit, all the things that are still left for you to live for. But, each night it sounds less like the truth and more like a rehearsed line.

This one’s for you. You who know what it’s like to have one of those nights.

You who know what it’s like to have one of those nights, and yet continue on into the next.

You continue on into the next because you know that no matter what, there will always be another day.

After every one of those nights, there will always be another day.

Sam vs. September


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Do you remember September? It seems so long ago, more than just a few months. But, I remember. Do you?

That was when you made that mistake. The one that seemed to cause your whole world to shake and fall around you, the one that left you stranded and isolated from everyone you’d called your friends. They turned their backs on you, they whispered about you but not quiet enough that you didn’t hear. They wanted you to hear and they wanted you to hurt. It crushed you, and they got exactly what they wanted.

Do remember that before that, you hadn’t talked to me more than just an occasional ‘Hey, what’s up?’ for months? You didn’t care to hear the details about my life and you didn’t care to tell me the details of yours. But, suddenly you were alone. Suddenly, there was no one left except me.

That’s when you decided to come to me.

It bothered me that I was nothing more than your last resort, but despite that I still reached out to you. I still let you lean on me, cry on my shoulder. I still let you know that you could count on me, always.

I listened, I was always listening as you told me all about what happened. I was there as you poured out your pain to me. I had my own pain too, but I never told you. I tried, but you were so blinded and focused on your own that you really couldn’t see mine.

I’m not blaming you, I’m not accusing you of anything. There’s only so much pain that a person can handle at a time, and you couldn’t handle both of ours. I understand.

There was so much you didn’t know, so much I never told you. You didn’t know that I’d just made it through what was the most challenging summer of my life. You didn’t know that I’d completely lost touch with my reality, or that at the same time I was spinning out of control I was expected to make decisions that would change the rest of my life. You didn’t know just how much I hated myself, just how deeply I believed that I was hopeless. You didn’t know that there were so many days and nights when I was so close to giving up on it all.

At the same time that you were depending on me to hold you up, I was still struggling to climb out of my own pit.

Somehow, I managed though. Look at us now. You’re standing on your own feet again, and while I can’t deny the fact that lately I feel like you’re going back down the same path that started us on this in the first place, you still made it through.

And me? I’ve never felt as sure of where I’m going as I do now. That pit is still in my memory, but that’s all it is. A memory. Each day I can still remember what it feels like, but it doesn’t break me anymore. In the end, all it left me with is a strength that comes only from overcoming and defeating your darkness. And a sense of duty to every other person out there who is still struggling to find their own power.

So, in a weird way, thank you.

There’s only one thing I need to ask of you. Don’t forget September and everything it represents. Remember where you came from, remember who put you there, and remember who got you out.

I’m in no way saying that you owe me, you don’t. I’ll always hold you up and I will never expect anything from you. But, I just want you to remember what it feels like to have someone reach out for you. And I hope someday you’ll pass that on to someone else

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